Alas, your sparkly face failed to stir me... but why?! Courtesy 20th Cenutry Fox

I’m not elitist.

I swear to God I’m not elitist.

PROOF THAT I AM NOT ELITIST (In visually pleasing Pyramid list form)

-Xbox!

-I love fast food!

-Shakira and Beyoncé are great musicians!

-Hey! If you want, I’ll watch American Idol with you!

-Also, I hear Ellen DeGeneres is on American Idol now! Sweet!

~

Now that my non-elistism has been qualified, I would like to painfully admit something to you all.

I didn’t like Avatar.

I mean, it was fun, I suppose, but fun in the way getting slapped by a friend is. It’s kind of thrilling, but about 15 seconds afterwards it leaves a mark and really actually hurts. Avatar hurts.

The 3-D glasses, they hurt your face.

They are mega-huge-future glasses with small windshield sized lenses. Mind you, I already wear glasses. Having to wear two pairs of glasses for 2 hours and 42 minutes destroyed my nose bridge and left giant throbbing red marks on the backs of my ears where they had been pinched by state-of-the-art IMAX plastic. Read more…

Oh man, f*cking sh*t! Dammit! I can’t believe it! I can’t believe they actually did it! How could they? This is an outrage. I feel moderately to partially outraged at this outrageous yet moderately important piece of news, partially.

You know what I’m taking about, right? The Sears Tower being renamed as the Willis Tower? Isn’t it f- wait, what? You don’t really care? But don’t you know how tall that thing is? And how building-y it is? Oh, well yeah, I guess it is just a tall building… essentially, yeah. And literally, too. Yep. Just a tall building…

Damn, I need to go and rethink the important things in life…

Well, I’ve thought about it, and I’ve realized that renaming the Sears Tower is the best thing that could’ve happened. You don’t know how many times I walked in there, asking where the refrigerator section was, and then being told that I was looking for a different Sears. That’s just misleading advertising. Hey, you know what else is misleading? Everything.

Especially names. Nobody you thought you knew namely knows the names of anyone or anything named anything, not anymore. And none of it matters, so why not just have as much fun as possible? Over 200,000 internet users just voted for the new NASA module to be named after Stephen Colbert. And then, over 54% of voting Americans just elected a guy with the bizarre and entertaining name “Barack Hussein Obama” to be our nation’s 44th president. I know, weird.

It’s a wonderful, weird, and unexplainable world we live in, and I don’t really care what we call the Sears Tower. Howabout Ethan? Or Kathy? Those sound pretty nice.

Maybe you already know about this. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you could care less. But no matter your stance on this topic, the name-changing of Chicago’s beloved “Sears Tower” to “Willis Tower” will affect you, and you can’t do a durn thing about it.

Call it capitalism at its best. Call it “life.” I call this blasphemy.

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