Dinosaur-related deaths in movie theatres have increased 6% in the last decade. Thanks a lot 3-D.

Avatar was a f**king terrible movie.

Luckily, this is no longer even an issue, since every single resident of the planet has undoubtedly agreed to this without question (except for Lauren Kolojejchick-Kotch, Seattle University student, who continues to lavish James Cameron’s work with yelling tirades on the lower mall and spurts of jaywalk-dancing on the west side of Cherry St. and 12^th Avenue. Dammit Lauren.). Nonetheless, and as result, a more calamitous question has eroded from the ashes of our Pandora pondering: what the f**k is the deal with 3-D?!

I’m not the first to point out our society’s current prejudicial encroachment of over-dimensionality prioritization of cinematic subject matter. Or, in other words, “Ooh, 3-D! Neat-o!”

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Little known fact: Bob Dylan loves emoticons (Photo by Ramsey Haefner)

Yes, the catastrophic issues that have befallen our nation certainly call for the immediate attention of our ASSU president-elect. What might lie at the top of our university’s list of concerns, we ask? Thankfully, my colleague Adam Toth has neatly laid out our most pressing priorities:

*Ridding ourselves of cat pee-stained carpets

*Creating more coffeehouse-esque atmospheres in Seattle (since we don’t have enough)

*Using Bob Dylan’s lyrically historic assertions for causes that are neither ironically fit nor causally relevant in the case of Toth’s present argument

*And, finally, fighting to keep a rustic, outdated, and utterly obsolete color of tiling for the Bistro floor.

If these are really that pressing, then I’m not sure Adam has successfully awoken from 2008. Read more…

Make a Cake!

True, cake is usually the answer to many-a-problem, the least of which is your current “How to celebrate the Irish drinking holiday (practically invented for college) WHILST writing that 8-10 page philosophy paper on Sartre’s view of animal rights” conundrum. And believe me, I know exactly where you’re at with this difficulty. Literally, you are right next to me, at 11:00 pm, with a few papers spread out, a Starbucks double-shot at your side, getting a nonsensical text from your friend who went to Kells Pub and who can’t write a proper contraction to save his own sobriety. Yeah, this sucks.

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Perhaps Obama (left) should take moral guidance from his historical counterpart, Swedish General Gustav Horn (right)

Justice, my dear internet. Have the final measures of our congressional last-stand scenario truly come to bare? I refer, of course, to the proposition by President Obama to take reconciliatory measures in the Senate concerning health care legislation, which has been meandering its way through Congress for well over a year now. Reconciliation, for those who don’t know, is the measure by which Democrats could push through final revisions of their legislation with a simple majority vote, thereby giving a “f*ck-you” nod-of-the-hat to every Republican hoping to filibuster the bill. The debate has long since overstepped political grounds into accusations of moral insidiousness. It is no longer a simple question of who will control heath care (answer: Death Panels). Rather, will reconciliation be the best means to achieve it?

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Congrats to Canada on their Ice Dancing gold (photo from makeupanid @ Flickr)

In the last two weeks, whenever I turned on the TV to watch Olympic-themed commercials, I ended up watching a bit of the Olympics too. Intrigued, I ended up witnessing some of these soaring beasts of frightening athletic prowess who flashed across the screen armed only with their wits, as well as their skis, their skates, and even their brooms. Even the least among these individuals, the ice dancers – who Adam Toth so rubbishy labeled the “relief pitchers of the ice genre” – were amazing individuals. And yet, even as I sat with goldfish scattered on the couch around me, I felt the weight of seeping deception…

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Bill Murry and Punxsutawney Phil in "Groundhog Day"

Yesterday, fellow Spectator writer (and Philip Seymour Hoffman Seattle Chapter Fan Club Vice President) Adam Toth wrote a moving plea, advocating for the disbelief in mystical Pennsylvania groundhogs. Now this is a fairly controversial standing that Toth has taken – no doubt the scholarly community of woodchuck academia has already rained down upon him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has already received anywhere from four to six letters in wrathful protest.

And yet, as much I applaud Toth for his courage, I simply cannot promote his lurching cloud of gopher-related scrutiny and disrespect – ultimately, his words condone no less than the textual equivalent of punching groundhogs in the face.

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