The mystery of why people watch the Oscars anymore remains unsolved. In a world of Tivo, YouTube, satellite TV, Hulu, blogging, on-demand movie downloads, iPods, 4G wireless phones, PSPs, Wiis, X-Boxes, video conferencing, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, and RSS feeds, one would think there’s too much real entertainment to be enjoyed. Touché Academy Awards! Somehow all your Hollywood glitz and glamor convinces tens of millions of Americans to sacrifice three hours of their lives to drool over handsomely paid celebrities, swooning for So-and-so in So-and-so’s new dress. Oh look it’s Hollywood Hunk A…with a 5 o’clock shadow, omg lol; better get on Twitter–stat!

Hollywood Hunk B, we haven’t seen him since Generic Big Blockbuster! Can’t wait until Generic Big Blockbuster: Part Deux comes out! This year’s Oscars seemed like a time warp back to the mid-1970s, we should have been expecting Johnny Carson or the Rat Pack to show up and make a joke about inflation. The music was bland, sterile, and non-offensive like most TV back then. The jokes were on-color and benign, apolitical and neutral enough to make the most centrist marketing executive proud as can be. Certainly wasn’t the show John Stewart put on in 2006 or 2008. The awkward back-and-forth between Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin left me yearning for a “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty…” cut-off, á la Family Guy.

Speaking of that, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty:

By the way, what was up with those stupid lampshades behind everyone? Did they run out of money at the last minute?