I didn’t watch the Grammy’s.

It’s not that I didn’t want to. Even though I disagree with the Grammy’s, sometimes they’ve got some pretty neat-o performances.

Sometimes.

Remember when Kanye and Jamie Foxx did Gold Digger? Epic! Remember Swagga Like Us with the Rap Pack? M.I.A. made pregnancy look cooler than Juno managed to after that one. And then Radiohead played a bunch of drums, which was super neat.

Anyways, I have no idea what happened at the Grammy’s this weekend other than the 2 minutes I saw in passing of Fergie on stage wearing some S & M gear, which she didn’t pee in, unfortunately. The one thing I did hear though, was that Beyoncé swept up, winning a record 6 awards, the most ever to go to a single female performer in one night.

And you know what? She freaking earned all 6 of those Grammys. All of ‘em. She deserves to string up all those Grammys on a necklace and wear it around her home as Jay-Z worships the ground she walks on. Or just sits there on a big upholstered chair smoking a cigar lazily as he is fed gold encrusted grapes from his exotic trained-monkey butlers. Or, you know, whatever he does when not running the world.

LIST OF REASONS WHY BEYONCÉ OWNS YOUR FACE, ONE FOR EACH GRAMMY SHE WON THE OTHER NIGHT:

1) She can sing really damn well.

Awards are supposed to be given in recognition of something someone has done exceptionally. That can mean someone receiving an award for eating a large amount of hot dogs in 5 minutes, for selling an unreasonable number of chocolate bars door to door, or for playing Ms. Pac-Man for 8 hours without loosing a single life.

But those things are stupid.

Beyoncé is really good at something that isn’t stupid, which is singing. Man can she sing. Have you heard her sing?

Listen to her sing:

If I were putting out pop records right now, I’d probably use auto-tune like everyone else is too, because I know I’d never sound as good as Beyoncé probably does, even when she’s just belching or something. I bet her burbs are fantastic and totally in tune.

2) Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) = Genius

I have tried to cover “Single Ladies” numerous times on my own, and each time I have given up. That song can’t be reproduced, mostly because I don’t know how to make that squeaky slidey robot noise with my guitar, but also because it is so unique and different. Nothing sounds like Single Ladies does right now. Beyoncé manages to take a bunch of sounds that could be in an episode of Looney Tunes and a dinky little beat and turn it into a soulful rocking epic that completely dominated EVERYTHING last year.

Also, Kanye was kind of right that one time when he was a total jerk to Taylor Swift.

Single Ladies is probably one of the best and most iconic videos of all time. The idea for the video was inspired by the work of 60’s choreographer Bob Fosse. Beyoncé saw a joke youtube video remix of one of his routines put to “Walk it Out” and thought the dancing was so impressive that she should do something similar herself. After 12 hours of shooting in a Brooklyn film stage, literally running up the wall in heels over and over to get that perfect single continuous shot, Beyoncé created an extremely impressive piece of art that pretty much demands your respect. Even if you don’t like the song, you have to admit, the video is badass. As a bonus, Beyoncé managed to make the leotard cool again, and also made robot hands way cooler than Mega-Man ever did.

*Note- Beyoncé as of late has notedly managed to make me identify with a bunch feminist anthems, even though I’m a guy. Besides my singing along to Single Ladies somewhat ashamedly over and over the past year, I also really liked her Grammy performance, which was soaked in passive agressive man-hate- but was amazing- but was about how men are terrible.

I’m confused.

But I like it!

Way to mess with the conception of a target market, Beyoncé!

3) She isn’t screwed up

Dear Beyoncé,

Thanks for not being addicted to crystal crack and passing out in front of cameras after giant spending sprees on tiny dogs. You are a legitimate role model.

Sincerely,

Everyone

I feel like it’s really refreshing when celebrities aren’t insane.

4) She actually works hard. Harder than you and me.

I specifically remember watching an episode of Driven on VH1 on Beyoncé once where they described how her father set up a “boot camp” for her and the other girls in Destiny’s Child when they were starting to get big. The group of them would run around their neighborhood while singing in order to train to be able to sing in key while performing complicated dance routines without getting out of breath on stage.

On runs of my own I have tried this, singing songs to myself while pittering along, and I can attest to the fact that it is really really damn hard. Like, 30-seconds-and-I’m-done-hard. Like, how-is-she-doing-that-on-TV-and-not-passing-out-hard.

Honestly, I feel like Beyoncé would be a great addition to the Cross Country team.

5) Your grandma would approve of her

Beyoncé is a nice lady. She’s so nice, she donated her entire salary from the movie “Cadillac Records” to Phoenix House, an organization of rehabilitation centers around the U.S. She founded the Survivor Foundation, which provided housing for affected families in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and Ike. She ran food drives at her tour stops in 2006 and probably got tons of donations, because who wouldn’t want to give non-perishables to Beyoncé?

6)