(for those who are lactose-intolerant, I apologize in advance)

Early this morning, I ate a bowl of cereal (who am I kidding? It was late afternoon. So what?) Anyways, in retrospect, I feel that it was a rather satisfying event of my life- it contained a wee bit of sugar, it gave me energy for the day, and it held (what I deem) an acceptable milk-to-cereal ratio. Now of course, the ratio can never be perfect, and therein lies the root of our issue – essentially, milk is the winner. Always. I mean, who pours a bowl of cereal hoping that there’s extra cereal at the end? No. Just no. Definitely not a breakfast of champions.

Everyone knows that the best part of cereal is the delicious few gulps that remain when no solid cereal remains. It is that flavorful, slightly-chilled kick of vitamin D that lets you know life’s true satisfaction. Oh yes, it is the milk that we strive to fit into our lives- we start with it in the morning, and we include it in as many meals as possible. Even when we’re already eating cookies, the best f**king food in the entire universe, we still aren’t satisfied without milk. Ultimately, milk equals life. QED.

Where then, one might ask, does the gallon challenge fit into this? Well, the gallon challenge combines the perfection of milk with humankind’s search for truth. Consuming an impossible amount of milk in an impossible amount of time is the most accurate metaphor for philosophy- what rightful knowledge can a being possess in the span of their life? (Now ask the same question with a more tasty spin to it): how much milk can a being possess in the span of an hour? Answer: probably not much… but we must try!

You won’t hear it stated often, but most of our culinary history is an attempt to fit more milk into life. Now sure, the average hater of Vitamin D will lob a few lazy arguments here and there –

“Drinking a gallon of milk is gross!”

“Drinking a gallon of milk isn’t medically feasible!”

“Drinking a gallon of milk is degrading to the entire human race!”

But I contest-  can the magic of milk chugging really be explained by science, morality, or common sense? What have they ever done? Ultimately, all our actions really only come down to one simple qualifying standard: will this make a good facebook status?

So, in the end, will you ignore the beauty that sits on the table in front of you…

Or will you overflow with happiness?